I’ve always enjoyed writing. It’s helped me to process all of the big moments in my life. I blogged faithful throughout my teenage years and in to my early 20’s. I slowly lost track of it and stopped. When Ryan and I started to date, I picked the blogging back up. It was so fun for me to write down all of the little things that we did & to capture those feelings of young love. Once again, I slowly lost track of time and my blog fell off the face of cyberspace. As soon as Ryan and I decided that without a doubt ,God was calling us to add to our family through adoption, that old familiar feeling came back and I wanted to write. I’ve gone back and forth about whether I wanted to blog or journal. This is such a personal, emotional journey & I want to be transparent. I just wasn’t sure I was comfortable posting my transparency for all the world to read about. After spending some time really thinking & praying about it (and spending my fair share of time exploring other adoption blogs) I decided that it was worth the risk. It was worth being open if one day my words would help another family on their own journey.
So, here I am. Right smack in the middle of the most incredible journey of my life! Even though this is a blog (and is meant for sharing thoughts and feelings), I don’t know that I can adequately describe the emotions I feel every single day. When I think about our future as a family of three my heart does flip flops and my mind races. Ryan and I knew early on in our relationship that we wanted to be parents. We knew we had all of the answers to be the perfect parents (Haha!) and that our kids would be the most well behaved, perfectly well-rounded, amazing kids around! We’ve had names picked out since before we were married. Over the last few years we’ve talked about them as though they already exist. Maybe that’s because they certainly have already found a spot to rest in our hearts. We weren’t expecting to wrestle with infertility. My sisters (who are mothers) had no issues. Honestly, most of my family members who are parents have become parents by accident. I figured if we were going to be intentional about it then it would be smooth sailing. Boy, was I wrong!
I’ve entertained the idea of adoption off and on my entire life. I thought that I would have a few kids “naturally” with whomever I married and then later down the road we’d also adopt. When we faced the reality of infertility, I don’t think we saw adoption as a backup plan, but more a “skip ahead” of the original plan. Certainly. there was (and is) a grief we experienced when we realized we would likely never be able to conceive. Once we worked through that time of grieving we both started thinking & praying about Adoption. We didn’t share these thoughts with each other initially. I think Ryan was afraid it would drag up the hurt I had been working through and I was certainly afraid that he wouldn’t be ready and I would stir up a new kind of hurt. Plus, we had big plans of moving south! As you now know, God had other plans for us!
One day while sitting in the park with our best friends we stared to talk about adoption. This park is the same park the 4 of us have dreamed up and prayed about some really cool things throughout our friendship. It’s one of our favorite places to just hang out. As the conversation progressed and excitement filled the air, Ryan and I knew without a doubt that God was using this moment & this place to confirm with each other what we had been feeling independently. It was time to get serious about starting our family. It was time to get serious about adoption! I can say without a doubt that God has called us to this journey. It has been confirmed time and again as we take the steps necessary to become parents.
So, here we are. We’ve jumped in with both feet! We’re working with an incredible agency in Arkansas (that is a God story of its own!). We’re facing the reality of the hardships in adoption. Exposing our lives to be picked apart by others who only know us on paper & will determine if we are worthy to parent has been humbling to say the least. Facing the reality of the cost of adoption has also been completely overwhelming. We’re planning on needing $35,000 to make this happen. We are by no means rich. To us, that number seems impossible. There is no denying that God is working out every detail, even the one that seems impossible. We have been overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends and family! We’re on our way.
I don’t know if it will happen next month, next year or even beyond. I do know that God has a plan. His will and His way is far beyond my own & this is a season of learning to trust. Every day that we work, wait and prepare is another day closer to holding our precious baby. Every day that we wait is another day that we have the privilege of praying for the birth mother & birth father. It’s another day that we have the opportunity to pray for our sweet baby- that God would protect him/her and that He would mold us in to the parents our child needs.
Waiting is HARD. But thinking of the first moments with our child makes every single step of the journey more than worth it.
The Lord has done great things for us & we are filled with JOY! Psalm 126:3