I’ve been working on my Statistics homework tonight. Anybody who knows me knows that I absolutely loathe math. I just don’t feel like my brain was built to compute numbers or memorize complex formulas. When I was a student at SSU about 10 years ago (EEK!, 10 years?) I took and failed a math class. This is the reason I’m taking this particular Statistics course. While I failed the original class it certainly wasn’t a waste of my time. I entered such a state of daydream that I did some of my very best creative writing while zoning out of lectures. In that class I wrote a few songs that were eventually recorded or performed and did a good bit of creative writing. It didn’t surprise me this evening that while I was struggling to complete my homework my mind wandered to this blog. I wanted to write and had to WILL myself to complete my homework before popping in. I made a promise to myself that I will finish my degree this time around. Passing this course is the biggest hurdle to date in accomplishing this goal. Tomorrow begins week 6/8 and I’m rocking a solid 90%. I think I can actually do this!
Today has been emotionally exhausting. Ryan and I had a late start this morning (which hasn’t been uncommon lately) and rushed in to church with PB at the last minute. Last night I wasn’t feeling great- more emotionally exhausted that physically ill, but I had wrestled with wanting to just stay in bed and “call in sick” for my KP class. I was certainly meant to be at church this morning. I’m glad I dragged myself out of bed to be there. I so needed it.
Pastor D started a new sermon series called, “God of the UnderDogs” this morning. I thought it would be good, but I wasn’t expecting it to really impact me the way that I did. I won’t do an entire recap of the message. I know I couldn’t do it justice. I do know that it is exactly what my heart needed at just the right time. Historically, I haven’t been one to show a lot of emotion. I’ve prided myself on being able to hold back my tears. This morning it was impossible. I’ve really been wrestling with feeling like this adoption is just out of our reach. Who am I to think we can be one of the very small number of couples who consider adoption and then actually follow through? We are FAR from wealthy. We can pay our bills and put a little back into savings, but this Goliath of a number ($34,500) keeps taunting me. It just seems so impossible. At least, it seems impossible in the short amount of time we have to make it happen. I know without a shadow of doubt that if/when it does come together that it will be because God made it happen. I can’t. Ryan can’t. It’s too impossible for us. It’s overwhelming. It’s exhausting. But God, He can move mountains and work miracles. I have to trust in Him and not in what we can do or what we can provide.
I’ve also been wrestling with the thought of a birth mother choosing me to be the mother for her child. What makes me special? Why would someone look through a picture book and say, “yes.. that’s who I want to raise my baby!” I don’t know that if I had to base my own decision on a few photos and paragraphs about me that I would even choose myself. I’m not the prettiest or most successful person. I can be shy. I’m overweight. My house wouldn’t make a spread in a home & garden magazine. If you visit my home you’ll certainly have a bit of dog hair on your clothes when you leave. I can be anxious and worry about the little details instead of focusing on the bigger picture. I have my broken pieces. I have my imperfect past. I work full time. I’ve waited too long to finish my degree. What would make someone choose me? What would make someone choose us when there are other couples who could provide so much more for their baby? What makes me worthy?
I have been wrestling with feeling like the UnderDog from before the beginning of this journey. My own doubts and insecurities have been nagging at me every step of the way. For every doubt, there has been a confirmation that while I may not understand why, God is leading us in this direction. He knows the desires of our hearts. He knows what we have to give, and where we will certainly fail. He knows me better than I know myself. When I feel like I can’t sweep up my broken pieces quickly enough to put them back together for others to see, He asks me to put them in His hands and trust that He will make something beautiful out of my imperfections. He’s reaffirmed in my heart time and time again that I’m going to have the opportunity to be a mother. There will be a child who will be lucky enough to have Ryan as their dad. He’s going to open doors for us to share His love with the birth family of our child.
This morning as tears streamed down my face I felt a peace in all of my insecurities. I won’t be a perfect mother. I will mess up. I have my broken pieces. I’ll never be rich, I may always be overweight and I’ll probably always question my worth in the eyes of those around me. Ryan and I are the UnderDogs. We can’t make this happen. There are 100 reasons why we should pack it in and give up. But God keeps speaking to me, speaking to us…. pushing us on. He gives us hope. He provides such sweet encouragement at just the right time. When I feel like I’m not enough, He reminds me that I am His. This is a story that He is writing. God doesn’t look at the things that man looks at, He sees our hearts.
Sometimes I am so scared that we will fail. I worry that things won’t play out like we hope they will & that we dream about. I know that this emotional roller coaster is FAR from over. There will be good days, bad days and in between days. But for today, I have peace. This is God’s story. Today I found comfort in feeling like the Under Dog.