I am more than ok with the idea of Adoption. There are so many children in our nation and in this world who are already inneed a stable, loving home environment. I have no doubt that Ryan and I can provide that. Most of the time, I’m even alright with the crazy process that we have to walk through. Today isn’t one of those days. Typically there is an excitement in my heart for what will one day “be”. Today there is hurt & frustration. Today is a day that I’ve really struggled with “why?”
The land of “why?” is a dangerous place to be. One can easily get lost there and lose sight of the end result. Having a child. Being a family of 2 grow into a family of 3. …Being a mom. I don’t know why it’s so important to me to be a mom, all I know is that it must be a desire that God has put into my heart. I can’t imagine Him putting this desire in my heart and then it never coming to be. Yet, admittedly, some days it still feels impossible. The end result is what makes the craziness of the process worth it. Dreaming about that first moment we are matched… and the first moment we meet our child makes every single day on this roller coaster adventure worth it. It even makes the hard days like today worth it. I try not to let myself get too lost in the why. I need to know that I’ll quickly find my way back. I know I just need to write it out of me. Writing is on one of the ways God has given me to process my emotions. I guess that’s why I’m here.
For the life of me, I cannot understand why Adoption has to be so difficult and so overwhelmingly expensive for middle class America. Over 60% of couples consider adoption, yet less than 2% actually adopt because of the expense involved. Well-intentioned people talk to me nearly every day about a woman who is expecting a child and just “doesn’t want it”. They tell me about babies that they know who were born addicted to drugs and are living in sub-par conditions at best. I hear stories of grandparents being overwhelmed while raising 3, 4, 5… sometimes even more of their grandchildren and then finding out another is on the way.
He has a plan. I do believe that these stories have contributed to me having some terrible anxiety attacks because at this point, my hands are tied to the process. There isn’t really anything I can do. My heart is breaking and there isn’t anything we can do because we don’t have the money to do what’s needed. Most often, the children I hear about are still with parents and guardians who have custody, so my heart can’t even consider bringing them into our family.
I don’t need to have the experience of having a baby grow inside of me. I don’t need to share my DNA with another human. I just want to be able to give the love that I have welling up inside of my heart to a child who needs to be loved by a mother and father who would do anything to love and protect them. I want so desperately to be a mother to a child who needs me just as much as I need and want them. Why does this process have to be SO long, SO hard and SO expensive when there are babies and children out there RIGHT NOW who need to be loved…and children who need a family? There are families who are waiting to love those children. We are one of them.
People have judged us for our decision to adopt through a private agency rather than going through foster care. I think foster care is a wonderful, beautiful thing. Maybe one day that will be the direction we feel God calling us to. But for now, it isn’t. It was an extremely difficult decision to make, but I know that at this point in our lives we are on the path that we’ve been called to. We are where we need to be.