The last few weeks have proven to be some of the most stressful times in my life. Not only are we in the midst of this beautiful (yet at times overwhelming) adoption adventure, I’m also a full time student, work a very stressful full time (plus!) job, and stay involved with activities and groups at our church. These things are all so incredibly important to me, but I pushed my limits and have paid for not listening to my body. The stress (I believe) has caused my thyroid levels to freak out which in turn has caused some not so wonderful symptoms to pop up. Unfortunately, those pesky symptoms (heart palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness, etc.) forced me into a few unwanted visits to the Emergency Room. When your body screams at you like that.. the anxiety kicks in which only exacerbates the situation. Fun times!
I have a horrible fear of all things hospital related and landing myself in the ER twice in 2 weeks is not exactly my idea of a good time. I’ve decided that I would really like to avoid a third visit.. so I’m trying to slow things down a bit. Recognizing my own limits isn’t something I’ve been good at until I surpass them. I’m learning to work on it, promise! This whole ER thing really cramps my style.
Since all of this has started happening, It’s really renewed my motivation (and Ryan’s) to get healthy. I have always promised myself that I would be the fun mom who went on adventures with her kids and could keep up with whatever activities that they enjoyed. Let’s hope that this was the kick in the pants we both needed to recommit long-term and really make the BIG changes we need to make.
In the midst of all of this craziness I’ve been thinking a lot about the word “Grace”. Webster’s defines grace as “unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification”. I feel like through this process we have definitely received grace from God. I certainly can say that it is especially true in my case. (I’ll let Ryan speak for himself.) Throughout this adoption journey I have had this sense of urgency to do whatever I could do as fast as I could possibly get it done and then move on to the next step. I know without an ounce of doubt that God has called us to adoption. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve felt this sure about something… and I’d probably still have a finger or two left to use later in life! With the sort of confirmation that we have experienced… I have wanted to work as hard and as fast as I could to make it happen. Part of my work ethic is because I want to see our baby and hold him/her as soon as humanly possible. To do that, we need to have the money in place. The other part of my urgency is because I want to do a good job and “pull my fair share of the weight” to “help” God make it happen.
I know in my heart that God is doing this. It’s not Ryan’s incredibly good looks or my awesome people skills! (HAHA!) It’s not my ability to write a blog or Ryan being the best delivery boy around. It’s God. He is doing a work that I can’t understand & that I can’t keep up with. Trust me, I’ve been trying! (Haha!) I’m certainly not going to sit around and just watch Him move. I know that He is using us in the process…we need to be involved. However, my panicked thoughts have included things like: “Am I doing enough? Am I working fast enough? What if I’m not working hard enough and we fall short and miss our opportunity?”
I know that’s not how it works. I know God is in control. I know that this will happen in HIS time and not mine. I think that the enemy has been working overtime to invade my mind and push me to work harder and faster than my body was capable of instead of trusting in the truth of what I know God has promised to us. I know that I will be a mother. Ryan will be a father… and T-bird will be knit together in his/her birth mother’s womb at just the right time. I need to trust Him. I need to listen to Him. God’s got this. Right when my stinkin’ thinkin’ starts to get the best of me… He sends such sweet reminders of His promises for our life and for our family.
Tonight, God sent one of those sweet reminders to us in a completely overwhelming and unexpected way. I can’t stop crying when I think about it. The details aren’t for the blog.. but for my heart & for my spirit… it was such an amazing reminder that God spoke this Adoption story into our hearts. He is faithful. He is good. He WILL make a way.
We are so undeserving of His love and the love of our friends, family & even complete strangers. I don’t know how we ever got so lucky! Thank you friends. Thank you family. Thank you strangers who have stepped up to the plate and helped someone you don’t even know.
Most importantly, Thank you, Lord.