I feel like I have so much to say- but I’m not really sure how to say it. I try to find joy in the journey no matter the circumstance. I don’t think anybody can possibly understand what this process is like unless you’ve experienced it. Even then, I’m sure every story is different. Typically I can be a stressed out ball of “hurry” but still find joy in the midst of the craziness. I can be enveloped by stress, anxiety and exhaustion; but typically joy resides in the deepest recesses of this journey. I’m not sure exactly why, but today is hard. The excitement is still there but the doubt and stress is hovering over me like a giant storm cloud. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep, or the sugar detox. (I was serious about my last post. Ryan and I are literally trying to work our butts off and make big changes!) Maybe it’s my hormones. Maybe it’s the fact that we’re nearly 6 months in to this journey and the end is nowhere in sight. I can’t quite put my finger on the culprit of this dreary mood that’s taken up residence in my heart today. All I know is that I want to go home, wrap myself in a blanket on the couch and watch my favorite movies all weekend and avoid the world. Maybe that’s the introverted side of me speaking up amidst the chaos too! Alas, our schedule is full! There will be no blankets and movies for me this weekend!
It’s possible outside stressors are adding to my mood. We’ve had a lot going on. We’re both working a ton of hours trying to contribute what we can to out find and pay off some bills. I’m prayerfully considering a few potential job prospects. This is really hard. My job has a lot of pros and a lot of cons. If I think about my future and my family, I need to do what’s best. It’s really been weighing heavy on me.
It’s been my goal to be completely transparent with our Adoption story. For so much of my life I’ve hidden behind a bright, shiny smile and refused to be real about what I was experiencing. I thought by being transparent in this journey that maybe, one day it would help another adoptive momma through her own story. Selfishly, writing helps me to process. You probably realize by now that the majority of my entries happen when I’m struggling or tired or confused. To me,
writing is therapeutic. At one point in my life I wanted to be a writer. I once even wrote a book about a young slave girl escaping to freedom while I was in high school. But, I have digressed…
I knew adoption would be hard. I knew it would get messy. I do think God can use brokenness to form beautiful things. However, I can’t really believe that this is how He intended for families to be formed. There’s too much brokenness involved. I feel like I’m finally feeling all of those things. I find myself grieving for the momma who will give birth to my sweet baby and the profound loss she will undoubtedly experience. I find myself getting lost in my own grief from time to time. If I had gotten pregnant, we’d be nearing the end of our journey. We would know if we were having a boy or a girl. We would be working on our nursery. We’d be parents by Christmas. In adoption, I don’t even know if we’ll be parents by next Christmas. The unknown is so hard for me. It always has been. This is probably the biggest unknown of my life and having to just trust in the unknown is really hard. I’m thankful that I’m able to trust the unknown to a known God. That makes it easier. But, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t still hard.
At this point it feels like things have slowed down to a crawl on the fundraising end of things because we’ve been so overwhelmed with the paperwork side of it all. Our friends at Sonora’s have been gracious enough to open their restaurant to us for another fundraiser on October 3rd and have told us that we are welcome to plan even more events. For now, that’s all that is written in stone. I want to be moving full steam ahead on both ends, but I just can’t keep up. We have lots of ideas. We have a few things that are ½ done that we’ll finish up as soon as our home study is finished. I’m still holding tight to our goal of being finished with fundraising by 2016. It seems like such a lofty goal. Maybe even an impossible goal. We need about $21,000 to be completely finished with fundraising. But, I know that we serve a BIG God. It’s a drop in the bucket for him. As soon as our completed home study is in hand I’ll start working on grant applications that can only be completed with an approved home study. I’m hopeful that will help move us closer to our goal as well. It makes me crazy that bringing a baby into our family is so expensive. We’ll do what it takes but it’s frustrating.
So, there you have it- Another update on this ever winding road towards creating our party of 3. Don’t confuse my gloom with defeat. I know that this is going to happen. I know that God is leading this journey & guiding our steps. I knew from the beginning that there would be hard times and moments that I’d want to throw my hands up in defeat. I know in my heart I’m going to be a momma and Ryan will be a dad. We’re already at the point where we will sacrifice our sleep, money, time and resources for a baby who may or may not even exist yet. He/She is worth the fight, the tears, the stress, the anxiety because not only are they our child…but he/she belongs to God. I can’t want to meet them. It’s going to be such a sweet, sweet day. It’s going to be SO worth it!
A friend sent me the picture below and I haven’t been able to stop reading it. It’s been my personal pep talk this week! Thanks friend!