We put off our home study for a few months for 2 reasons. 1, we wanted to get a little further down the road with our fundraising goals so that we didn’t have to sit idle with a completed home study that has an expiration date. I thought it would take years for us to raise the money that we needed. A home study is good for 2 years. After 2 years, you have to pay another fee to have it extended for a third year. After the third year you have to start over. I wanted to play it smart with the timing of having them both completed around the same time. The 2nd reason is a little more personal for me. I was terrified of going to see my doctor and having him fill out a paper that said I was medically “worthy” of being a mom.
To some people, that may seem a bit ridiculous. Sure, I’m overweight. I have some BIG things I need to work on in that area & trust me, I’m trying. I think about it every day. Some days I do awesome. other days, I fail and have to pick myself up and try again. I also have a thyroid disease and anxiety and PCOS/Infertility. I felt like this medical exam would be the part that would finally kill our dream. I mean, my own body has spoken. My body has told me that I’m not capable of carrying a baby (and I translate this at times in to telling me I’m not worthy of being a mom.)
Today was the day that I had to face my 2nd biggest fear in this home study process. I trudged into my doctor’s office with the form in hand and anxiously waited in the waiting room. I’ll admit that last night was not fun. My anxiety won in a BIG way. I was pretty miserable with thoughts dancing in my head telling me how tomorrow would be the end point in our journey. I let myself worry so much that it made me physically sick. My blood pressure was high (which isn’t normal for me…) and I thought to myself, “Yep, this is the first nail.” I talked to the CNP that I regularly see and he asked me about the form. We talked for a few minutes about what was going on in our adoption process and how life was in general. Then he said, “Well… that certainly explains the blood pressure being a bit elevated. You have a lot on your plate!” Ha ha ha! Yes sir! I have a TON on my plate these days! I sat anxiously as he wrote on my paper. I didn’t think he’d ever finish. We concluded my appointment and I sulked out of the building. I didn’t want to look at it until I got to the car. I wanted to know I was in my own, quiet space if I needed to be.
Can I tell you about the relief I felt when I looked at that paper and he had written, “In my professional opinion there is no medical or psychological reason why Cera wouldn’t be a fantastic candidate to foster or adopt a child.” I needed that quiet, private space in my car. Not do mourn, but to be breathe. Not to try and calm my anxiety, but to pray and thank God for continuing to carry us through this journey. He wouldn’t have confirmed this journey time and time again if He wasn’t going to make a way.
I know I need to be better at being healthy. I’m going to be a momma one day (and I’m praying it’s one day SOON!) I want to be able to run and play and keep up with a busy toddler. I want to teach my children how to take good care of their bodies. I want to take better care of this vessel that God has given me to use. So far, I’ve not been so successful. Getting that paper from my doctor isn’t an excuse to give up on these important goals. It’s motivation for me to keep pressing. Keep moving. Keep trying.
I’m still going to struggle with my body image. I’m still going to face anxiety when I think about birth families viewing our profile book and seeing my photos. I’m certainly not proud of what I’ve done to this body. All I can do is keep trying to do better & trust that God has a baby for us in spite of my shortcomings and insecurities.
Most importantly, I know that through this entire process I need to keep TRUSTING. He hasn’t failed us yet. Even when I feel like I’m not, HE is Able.