This Christmas season has brought about a lot of emotions that I wasn’t necessarily expecting to hit me. I’ll admit on some days that they’ve done more than push me around. Some days it feels they use a giant semi-truck and plow me over at the most inopportune time. I wonder if it’s normal to feel and experience this when walking on this adoption journey. I wonder if it’s risky to share my heart so openly. Once again, I’m reminded of my promise to be transparent through this process, so here I am with my heart on my sleeve again.
Many of you are aware that I was offered a new job a few weeks ago. After a lot of prayer, conversation and tears I accepted the new position and will be starting the first of January. I’m truly excited for this next chapter. I’m extremely relieved that it solves my worries regarding healthcare for our baby and for Ryan. It’s still in the field that I love, and I’ll be working with people that I’ve known for years. In the midst of the excitement of leaving, my heart truly aches to be leaving. I’ve grown up where I work now. I started just after I turned 21. It’s my first “grown up” job. I’ve formed relationships, bonds and friendships over the last 12 years that are priceless and precious. I think I’ve cried almost every day since I accepted the new position. Not because I regret my decision, but because I’ll miss what I’m leaving behind so deeply that I feel as though I’m mourning a loss. Going to work feels different now and I’m already feeling as though I’m not as much of a part of the team. I know that’s normal. I know things have to change, but it’s hard. Pray for Ryan. He’s been a saint through this transition!
I’ve also been thinking a lot about our sweet little T-bird. It seems as though my facebook wall is full of pregnancy announcements or new little babies that have just made their entrance into this world. I love the pictures and announcements. It makes me so excited for what’s to come for us, but it also causes this momma’s heart to ache. As I walk through the stores and shops I always seem to find my way to the baby section and can’t stop myself from looking through the adorable clothes. I don’t stay long, but I can’t help but look and think and dream of when we’ll be able to love this child that God has brought into our lives. The other day I was at the mall and found the most BEAUTIFUL little baby gown. It was teal with a cream crochet pattern over it. It was cinched at the bottom and looked like a little mermaid. It was WAY outside of my price range ($70!!!!), but I still considered buying it. I even told my BFF that if we had a boy he would just have to suffer and wear the outfit because I loved it so much! HAHA! It was a crazy moment… I admit it. But, I didn’t buy it! It was a win!
I never knew it was possible for your heart to ache and long for someone you’ve not met. But my heart is ready. This momma and daddy can’t WAIT to love on their baby. I just need to be patient for God to work things out in His
time. Patience is hard. Waiting for my baby is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Some of you may have found your way to this blog because you received a letter from Ryan and I. It’s something that we wrestled with doing for months, and there will be a second wave of letters going out next week. We wanted to share our story with friends, family and businesses so they could maybe understand more about the adoption process, who we are as a couple and our hearts desire to be parents. We also asked that people partner with us and donate towards our adoption fund. I can’t express to you how hard it is to ask for help. I’ve never been good at it. I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I could figure it out and make it work on my own. That’s just not the case with this. We need help to bring this baby into our family. It’s hard to ask for help. It’s even harder when not everyone agrees with you asking for help. But we’re laying our hearts out and hoping that our story will fall on the right ears and hearts. We’re learning that stepping out of our comfort zone is something we have to be willing to do in this process. Not everyone will agree, but we’ve been so BLESSED by those who have joyfully come along side of us and helped us come as far as we have.
Once our home study is in the hands of our adoption agency (THIS WEEK!) we can be chosen by a birth mother at any time. That could mean we are chosen next Fall, Spring of 2017 or next week. Next week would be thrilling, but terrifying. I don’t know that we could say “yes” because we are still so far from where we need to be financially. Since the beginning of May we’ve come half way. That’s incredible! But we still have half way to go. Ryan and I had started praying that we would be fully funded by January 1, 2016. Unless we have some sort of Christmas miracle, that’s just not going to happen. (Hey, we’re still praying for that Christmas miracle!!) We’re still going to push and plan and work our way to the goal. Our baby is worth every tear, every struggle, every battle and every change that we’ve had to tackle along this journey.
I don’t know how Christmas will be. It’s different this year anyways. Ryan and I have purposefully chosen not to buy gifts for each other or for our family. We wanted to do something meaningful. There are a few special people in our life that we’ve bought a few needed items for just so they know they’re loved. Otherwise, we haven’t shopped. We’ve asked our friends and family not to buy for us, but instead if they truly want to do something for us that they donate to our adoption fund. All I need and all that I want is to have what we need in the bank to bring our baby home. Nothing more.
It’s late and I’m tired. It’s been a long day, but I felt like I needed to write. When I feel like I need to write, you get a first-hand view into this crazy heart of mine! Know that we are holding firmly onto faith. We know that God will continue to provide. We know that He has called us on this journey and that He will make a way. Thanks for loving us. Thanks for cheering us on. Thank you for praying for us and praying with us.
Cera & Ryan