The Heartache of Maybe

Sometimes, the heartache in this journey can be completely overwhelming.  I guess it’s safe to say that this week we had our first “maybe baby”.   We were contacted by our adoption agency about a potential match.  There were some circumstances surrounding this momma that they wanted to share with us before the proceeded in sharing our information with her.  We were ok with everything and asked to be shared with her.   We knew that our profile would be shown by the end of the week and assumed that if we didn’t hear back before the end of the week that we weren’t chosen. 

Ryan and I talked about it and we asked a few of our closest prayer warriors to pray about the circumstance and the particulars of the situation and tried our very best to not get too excited.  We knew that this was just a “maybe baby”.   It was pretty impossible to not get excited and start dreaming and planning.  We knew this baby was a boy.  We knew he was due in April.  At first we panicked about April. I mean, we’re only ½ way to our fundraising goal.  Raising another $15,000 in 2 months really seemed impossible.  After the initial panic subsided, we went into planning mode. My mom and sisters were tossing around fundraising ideas and we knew that if this was our baby that God was going to provide.  We just had to trust, listen and follow. Then, excitement hit.  We could be parents in 3 months!  Ryan was getting excited about his dream Star Wars Nursery and we were trying to nail down a middle name that we both agreed on.  (By the way, we finally agreed on one!) We let our hearts get too involved with a “maybe baby”. It’s Friday night. 

We weren’t chosen.

I’m trying not to let my mind wonder into the “why” of not being chosen this time.   Did we not send the right pictures?  Did our letter not adequately express our heart and desire to be parents?  So many questions…it’s enough to make even the most confident person feel not good enough.  My heart is hurting,  but my head knows the truth.  This wasn’t our baby.  God has the perfect parents already planned out for this little guy, and our baby needs us.  This wasn’t our match & that’s ok. I want this baby to go to the parents God has for him.  I want his birth mom to be comfortable and confident in the decision that she made.  My heart is truly thankful that God has a family picked out for this baby who will love him for his whole life. 

I’m ready to be a momma.  I’m ready for that moment when I19fd790fd82557921212aac55d9b4db6 look at Ryan looking at his child for the first time and see that unexplainable love come crashing over him.  I’m ready for sleepless nights.  I’m ready for diaper changes and cuddles throughout the day. 

April would have been 1 year since our official adoption announcement.  It would have been kinda neat that our baby would have been born at the year mark.  Today, it’s been just under a year.  But, the truth is,  we’ve been waiting to become parents for much longer than that.  It’s been years of heartache. Years of waiting and wondering if it would ever happen for us.  To have our dream seem so close this week and then slip away makes my heart really hurt tonight.

We aren’t giving up.  We still trust in what we know God has called for us and for our family.   I know it’s going to happen.  This journey is such a roller coaster.  Ultimately, we know that it will end in meeting our sweet baby and the heartache will be worth it. 

With all that being said, we know now how quickly the call can come. That is so exciting and so scary at the same way.  We’ve come so far, but we have so far to go.

I’m giving myself  a day to be sad and then it’s time to my game face on and get working.  We want to be ready when a “Maybe baby” turns in to our sweet little T-bird.