I feel like I should be taking a huge sigh of relief since I made it through Mother’s Day without a major breakdown. (Insert a celebratory fist pump in the air!) I know one day that Mother’s Day will bring so much happiness and joy into my heart, but I think that I will always remember that it isn’t so easy for other people because I have been one of those people. Last year, we announced our adoption several weeks before mother’s day. On Mother’s Day 2015 everyone told me “next year you’ll be a mom! How exciting!” Now that next year is here..I had to get away. My heart just couldn’t handle year 2 of well-meaning comments without any hope or promise that it will be true.
Ryan and I left Saturday after he got off work and went to a Cincinnati Reds game and had dinner at our new favorite- City Barbecue. It was Star Wars night at Great American Ballpark so we got there early enough to get our awesome bobbleheads and enjoy the perfect baseball weather. Unfortunately, the Reds got stomped in the 10th inning. We stayed in Cincinnati that night and then headed home Sunday morning. We made a pit stop at Jungle Jim’s on the way home, and then made our way to my mom’s house.
It was great spending the day with my mom, my sister Amy, Isabelle and my Nanny. Ryan of course was with us and we just spent the day playing cards and enjoying each other’s company. I tried my very best to remember that it wasn’t about me. It was about my amazing mom and the other amazing mom’s in my life. One day I have hope that it will be about me, but for now I’ll enjoy spending time with my momma! At one point in the day my beautiful 3 year old niece crawled up on my lap, let me cradle her in my arms and she fell asleep. For those of you who know 3 year olds- that NEVER HAPPENS. I felt like it was a gift from God (and Isabella) to remind me of what’s to come in my life. I so enjoyed those snuggles. Having Amy and Isabella back in Ohio has brought me SO MUCH JOY!
I’ve thought about taking a break from social media for awhile, but at the same time it’s my best means of communication to let everyone know what’s happening in our story. However, my feed is FULL of newly expectant momma’s, brand new babies, and completed adoptions. All of these stories bring me a mixed bag of emotions. I’ve had people tiptoe around telling me their exciting news- unsure of how I would react or feel. So, maybe now is a good time to address it. I feel like new announcements are coming soon for babies to come. .. *wink, wink*
First, let me be clear- a new baby is ALWAYS a blessing. They always bring joy! Whether they are a surprise baby or a baby that has been prayed for and planned for. I’m genuinely excited that you have the opportunity to experience the joy of life growing inside of you and becoming a parent. I’ll be anxious to find out what you’re having and excited to buy a gift (or two) for the child you are going to absolutely love! It makes it 100% easier when I know that this new life is going to parents and family who will love them.
If I’m being completely honest, throughout the entire process there will be moments when I question “why not me?” or “How can people seriously get pregnant accidently for the 2+ time?” I wrestle with jealousy. I’ll wonder why I’m not good enough, etc. It’s all things that I have to work through and deal with. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to hear you chatter excitedly about your future as a family. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to see pictures of your ultrasound or that I will get bitter when you complain about morning sickness. Honey, complain away! If it were me… I’d feel lucky to experience it but I’d be complaining too. Who likes to puke? Nobody.
The point is, please don’t hide your joy from me. I may hurt for a moment but I am genuinely excited for you. I hope that I’ll be joining you soon in this beautifully crazy journey of parenthood. Maybe tell me in private so I can process. Send me a text so if I’m in a bad place I can process and then celebrate with you. The point is- I want to celebrate! I want to love this new baby too!
The hardest stories are the ones when people don’t want their babies. The stories when the babies are born addicted and left laying in the hospital. Or, the stories of the grandparents who are overwhelmed with raising grandchildren. The stories of abortions because the mom doesn’t want to raise another baby. Those are the ones that break my heart to the core. I want to jump up and down and wave my hands and say, “pick me! I will love that baby with every ounce in my body! Ryan will be the best daddy ever! Just give us a chance!” or “choose life! Even if you don’t pick me there are so many people who would love that baby you carry inside of you!” These are the stories that have me questioning “Why God?!” the most… Why them and not me? I’m completely at peace with never carrying a child and knowing what it’s like to give birth. I have confidence that God has called me to parent through adoption. I’m excited about that.
Some stories keep me up at night… because there is hope that just maybe that story will turn into my story. I know I need to hear those stories. I WANT to hear those stories. Eventually one of those stories WILL be my story. In the meantime, waiting for the “yes” story means heartache over the no’s. It means questioning why you aren’t good enough or what we could do to improve our profile. It means that I’ve learned to protect my heart as best I can because the no’s could destroy me before we make it to a yes. So, I build a wall- and try to think with my head and only let what’s necessary into my heart. Don’t be afraid to share those stories. I need to hear them. Maybe your story will be our yes?
But honestly, how can you not let any baby into your heart?
That includes the babies that my friends and family are having while we’re waiting. It may hurt from time to time but please don’t be afraid to share your joy with me. God has a plan for my family. He also has a plan for yours. It just happens that your story is unfolding a little quicker than mine! I can wait. Little T-bird is so worth the wait…no matter how long. (But please, God… don’t let it be too much longer!)
To make a donation to Ryan and Cera’s adoption fund, you can do so through our paypal link below! Money donated into this link go directly into our adoption fund to help cover the costs associated with our adoption- estimated at $30,000.