Dear Dax,

Dear Dax,

Last night I had a moment of weakness. { For a brief moment I wondered if I should just throw in the towel and admit defeat.} Finding our way to bring you home is hard. Much harder than I think we ever anticipated. However, I quickly tossed that thought as far away as I could because the thought of giving up on you is incomprehensible. Even though I haven’t felt you move inside of me, my heart tells me that you are mine.  It doesn’t matter that your soft skin won’t match mine or that I won’t officially meet you for another few months.  All that matters right now, in this moment, is that you are my son. You are our son.

I can’t explain how I know that you are my son other than there must be some magical seed that God has planted in my heart.  That seed has taken off and grown like a wildfire – it has consumed me.  I think about you and pray for you almost constantly.  I am willing to walk through hell and back if that’s what it means to make sure you are happy and healthy and in my arms.  I will put aside all of my own needs to make sure you have the things that you want.  I promise that I will always love you and I will never, ever give up.

I know there will come a day down the road when things get hard.  You might get mad at me for a decision I make.  I might get mad at you because of some crazy stunt you try to pull. (After all, you are a boy…and boys have no choice but to be mischievous!)  Please know that there will never be anything you could do or say that would cause me to love you any less.  There is nothing you could ever do or say that would ever make me push you away.  You may not be flesh of my flesh, but you are my heart.

Things might be hard right now for your dad and I, they may feel impossible but they aren’t.  I won’t give up.  Your dad won’t give up.  We need you- and you need us.  We won’t give up because we want you to learn from us, even now.  We want you to never give up on a goal or a dream that you have, even if it feels impossible.  We won’t give up because I want to be an example to you that there are times when there may be no clear answer, but we still have to trust in God and press on.  We won’t give up because we want to show you that even though the pathway may not be perfect we can still reach our goals if we refuse to give up.  We won’t give up because we’ve made a commitment to your first mom to love you and raise you as our son.  You’ll know about her and the strength, hope and love she has for you. We won’t give up because we want you to see that it was God who brought you into our family.  He had to make a way.  I don’t think Adoption is how God designed a family to be created; I think it is how He redeemed the brokenness of this world.  It’s how he’s redeeming the brokenness of my womb.

We will probably never be rich in earthly treasure. We won’t buy you a brand new car the moment you are able to drive. (Sorry kid, brace yourself!) We’ll have what we need and we’ll do our best to provide you with many of the things that you want.  But when it comes to love, oh sweet boy… you will be rich beyond measure.  Not only do you have the love of God- even as he stitches you together in your first mom’s womb, but you have the love of a mom and dad who will never, ever give up on you.  You will grow up in a home full of love and laughter, mistakes and forgiveness.

I love you sweet boy.  We won’t give up. We will trust in God to provide what’s necessary to bring you home. In choosing your name, we were purposeful. { Dax means: Warrior.  Elias means: Given by God. } We will keep pressing on to be an example for you, to help cultivate in you the heart of a warrior who was most definitely given to us by God.   We will overcome our moments of weakness.  You are worth every tear, every moment of worry and panic. You are worth the sleepless nights and the tears. You are worth every single step on this journey and so much more.  I can’t promise there won’t be more moments of worry and panic and stress in the coming weeks, but I can promise those moments won’t stop us.  We’re coming.  We will continue to work as hard as we can to bring you home. We’re clinging to the promise that we know God has spoken into our lives.  Dax Elias, you are our precious son. We love you more than you will ever know, and if you can imagine that depth of love…. Know that God loves you a million times more than that.  He has a plan.  We’re coming & I promise you we will always be there.

 

Lamentations 3:22-23 (The Message)
God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,  His merciful love couldn’t have dried up.   They’re created new every morning.  How great your faithfulness!  I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).  He’s all I’ve got left. 

 

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What if we fail?

I haven’t written much lately because I don’t really know what to say.  It’s not that I don’t have words swimming around in my head and in my heart, it’s actually the opposite.  My heart and my mind are so full of words and emotions that I’ve been scared to put them on paper.   I’ve been scared to let myself fully feel the weight of my emotion.  But, here I am after a heavy conversation with Ryan (and with his blessing)  feeling like I need to put my words down on paper.  (or whatever you want to call this.)

When Abba called a few weeks ago to tell us about Dax,  I instantaneously fell in love with him.  When she told us we were matched, I can’t imagine my feelings being any different then when a couple sees a positive pregnancy test and they immediately know that their lives will change forever.  I can’t describe that feeling.  It was incredible.  Since that day a few weeks ago, that feeling has only grown.  I love this sweet little boy more than I can put into words.   I have this indescribable peace in my heart that he is my son.

Tonight, Ryan and I finally talked about the “what if’s”.   We’ve been dancing around the conversation. It wasn’t fun.  This was a conversation that addressed the hard what-if’s.  The biggest scary what-if is “What if we don’t pull the money together?”  We haven’t really let ourselves talk about that.   The outcome is too devastating.  What happens then?  What happens if we can’t pull it together? What if his birth mom changes her mind?  I couldn’t blame her.  I know how much I love him and I haven’t felt him move inside of me. I haven’t heard his heartbeat. I haven’t seen him move on an ultrasound screen and I am already hopelessly in love with him.  I can’t even talk about it.  It hurts too much. It makes me cry. 


We have this room set aside to be Dax’s nursery, but it’s not changed much since we found out he was coming.  I’m too scared to clean it out and put together his crib.   I know that if something happens then we’ll just have this room to walk by and think of all of the what-if’s.  I have so many ideas on how I want it to look. I dream about rocking him in the chair I have picked out that will go right in front of the big window.  I can see the built in shelf full of the books we’ve already bought him that we’ll read every night before he goes to bed.   I catch myself singing the sonc4dab2a77eba3e45bf8204650a8fa5bdgs that I imagine singing him as I try to lull him to sleep.   It’s too hard to think about. 
So tonight we talked.  We put our fears out on the table.  We cried.  I cried a lot. We talked about how God has worked to provide through this entire process.   We also talked about how we have had moments of being financially irresponsible, and really blew some money when we could have saved it.  (ugh, sorry Lord…)  We talked about how we doubted that we would get that first big payment together, and it happened.  We talked about how we had no idea how we would pull together that second payment and the first part of the birth mom expenses that were due, but it happened.  We talked about how God has moved through this whole process, and things have happened.   Our stress was high in each of those situations, but God provided.  Our needs were met.   The stakes are so much higher now though.  Dax is coming.  He is due in 10 short weeks.  Trusting when the stakes are this high is so much harder.  My faith is being stretched and sometimes you stretch so far that it hurts.   I feel like that’s where I am.

My friend Lauren texted me right in the middle of typing this.   (Sorry, Lauren! Thank you for listening to me free out. Love you!)  It’s funny how God sends words of encouragement from friends right at the exact moment that you need it.   I have to trust in the promise that I felt God grow in my heart nearly 2 years ago.  I have to cling to my faith in God and faith in His plan.  We need about $9,000 to cover the remainder of our adoption and birth mother expenses.   We need travel money to stay in Arkansas for 2-3 weeks after Dax is born.  Plus, my time off work will be without pay.  Seeing this written down on paper causes me to freak out a little bit.  But I’ve dried my tears.   I’ll double up on my Lysine to get rid of this GIANT fever blister that has invaded my face.  We’ll buckle down and work as hard as we can and trust God to fill in the gaps. Pray for us?

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Today we met our son’s birth mom.

Ryan and I are sitting in a hotel room, after a much-too-long nap in Arkansas.  The past week and a half have been an absolute whirlwind that has brought us through many (happy) teary phone calls,lots of sleepless nights, and several states to meet the beautiful woman who is carrying our child. Dax’s birth mom.  I wake up every morning wondering if someone needs to pinch me because it still doesn’t feel real.  Our son is on his way and will be here in 89 short days.  I have prayed for this moment to come for longer than I can remember.  Now that it’s here, I don’t really know how to adequately put what I’m feeling in to words.

Last week we received the phone call that we had been waiting for.  I was sitting beside my best friend and the phone rang- it was Abba.  My hands were wet and I didn’t get them dried off in time to answer the phone, but my heart knew that this was the phone call we’d been waiting for.  I hurriedly called back and got Kandi’s voice mail… so I told Whitney that I wasn’t moving until the phone rang again.  Thankfully,  it was only a few minutes and it rang.  We were matched.  I cried through the whole phone call. Ryan came and was able to listen in on some of the details.  He wouldn’t admit it, but I think he cried a little too!  

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Dax Elias

We sat in shock for a few minutes and just looked at each other.  We are going to be parents!  We have a son!  Our son is due in 3 months.  There were so many thoughts and emotions all at once.  I imagine this is how a couple feels when they first find out that they’re pregnant.  We’d been waiting for years.  Now it’s happening- and happening quickly! 

Yesterday we left as soon as I got off work and headed to Arkansas to meet our birth mom.  If there was a hidden camera in our car for that drive, you all would have been in for a treat!  We went from giddy excitement to overwhelming anxiety in very short bursts.  I mean, how do you prepare for a meeting like this? We had no idea.  What would we ask? How would we say hello?  How do you say thank you for such a priceless gift?  We were a. HOT.mess. We drove until we got into Arkansas and stopped to sleep for the night. 

Our sleep was restless, and short, and we were back on the road at 7am for our 11:30 lunch date. We arrived a little late after making a few pit stops along the way. I was so nervous I thought I would pass out.  Would she like us?  Would she change her mind?  Would she question her decision? I’ve been open about being self-conscious about my weight through this journey and it certainly crossed my mind more than a few times. A few deeeeep breaths, a quick prayer- and we walked in.

I’m trying to find a balance between what we want to share, and what we need to hold close to our hearts and keep just for us.  I want to share, but I also want to protect our privacy,  our son’s privacy and the privacy of the young woman who has chosen us to parent the baby she is carrying.  So, I won’t be sharing the details or particulars.  There were some awkward silences, some sweet moments and some laughter.  I feel like we got to know her a little bit more and will have some things to share with Dax as he grows up about who his birth mother is and the selfless choice she made for him. Her strength and outlook is so admirable.  Today was difficult, and fun, and exciting and nerve-wracking…but above all, today was beautiful. I don’t really know how else to describe it.

When we left I asked if I could give her a hug.  I hugged her and we said our goodbye’s for now.  I teared up as we walked away. It seemed so surreal.  I just met the woman who would help make my biggest dream come true.  I just spent an afternoon with the woman who was carrying our baby boy. Not only is she giving us this incredible gift- but I genuinely liked her as a person. She was so sweet!  It was all too much.  I held it together through lunch and didn’t act COMPLETELY goofy (which is typically how I act when I’m this nervous. Thanks, God for helping me hold it together!)  So,  humor would have it that we were greeted at our car….

with a parking ticket.  HAHA! 

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This past week and a half have been incredible. Our friends and family have rallied around us in HUGE ways.  We have a big goal to meet in a short amount of time.  We’re nervous. But at this point what choice do we have but to trust that God will provide? He has already done so much! Thank you for your love,support and financial donations. We really couldn’t be here without each and every person who has helped us along the way.

https://www.youcaring.com/ryan-cera-wymer-366061

All I can say is thank you Lord. Thank you for writing such an incredible story for our family.  My heart is full.