I haven’t written much lately because I don’t really know what to say. It’s not that I don’t have words swimming around in my head and in my heart, it’s actually the opposite. My heart and my mind are so full of words and emotions that I’ve been scared to put them on paper. I’ve been scared to let myself fully feel the weight of my emotion. But, here I am after a heavy conversation with Ryan (and with his blessing) feeling like I need to put my words down on paper. (or whatever you want to call this.)
When Abba called a few weeks ago to tell us about Dax, I instantaneously fell in love with him. When she told us we were matched, I can’t imagine my feelings being any different then when a couple sees a positive pregnancy test and they immediately know that their lives will change forever. I can’t describe that feeling. It was incredible. Since that day a few weeks ago, that feeling has only grown. I love this sweet little boy more than I can put into words. I have this indescribable peace in my heart that he is my son.
Tonight, Ryan and I finally talked about the “what if’s”. We’ve been dancing around the conversation. It wasn’t fun. This was a conversation that addressed the hard what-if’s. The biggest scary what-if is “What if we don’t pull the money together?” We haven’t really let ourselves talk about that. The outcome is too devastating. What happens then? What happens if we can’t pull it together? What if his birth mom changes her mind? I couldn’t blame her. I know how much I love him and I haven’t felt him move inside of me. I haven’t heard his heartbeat. I haven’t seen him move on an ultrasound screen and I am already hopelessly in love with him. I can’t even talk about it. It hurts too much. It makes me cry.
We have this room set aside to be Dax’s nursery, but it’s not changed much since we found out he was coming. I’m too scared to clean it out and put together his crib. I know that if something happens then we’ll just have this room to walk by and think of all of the what-if’s. I have so many ideas on how I want it to look. I dream about rocking him in the chair I have picked out that will go right in front of the big window. I can see the built in shelf full of the books we’ve already bought him that we’ll read every night before he goes to bed. I catch myself singing the songs that I imagine singing him as I try to lull him to sleep. It’s too hard to think about. So tonight we talked. We put our fears out on the table. We cried. I cried a lot. We talked about how God has worked to provide through this entire process. We also talked about how we have had moments of being financially irresponsible, and really blew some money when we could have saved it. (ugh, sorry Lord…) We talked about how we doubted that we would get that first big payment together, and it happened. We talked about how we had no idea how we would pull together that second payment and the first part of the birth mom expenses that were due, but it happened. We talked about how God has moved through this whole process, and things have happened. Our stress was high in each of those situations, but God provided. Our needs were met. The stakes are so much higher now though. Dax is coming. He is due in 10 short weeks. Trusting when the stakes are this high is so much harder. My faith is being stretched and sometimes you stretch so far that it hurts. I feel like that’s where I am.
My friend Lauren texted me right in the middle of typing this. (Sorry, Lauren! Thank you for listening to me free out. Love you!) It’s funny how God sends words of encouragement from friends right at the exact moment that you need it. I have to trust in the promise that I felt God grow in my heart nearly 2 years ago. I have to cling to my faith in God and faith in His plan. We need about $9,000 to cover the remainder of our adoption and birth mother expenses. We need travel money to stay in Arkansas for 2-3 weeks after Dax is born. Plus, my time off work will be without pay. Seeing this written down on paper causes me to freak out a little bit. But I’ve dried my tears. I’ll double up on my Lysine to get rid of this GIANT fever blister that has invaded my face. We’ll buckle down and work as hard as we can and trust God to fill in the gaps. Pray for us?