Dear Dax,

Dear Dax,

Last night I had a moment of weakness. { For a brief moment I wondered if I should just throw in the towel and admit defeat.} Finding our way to bring you home is hard. Much harder than I think we ever anticipated. However, I quickly tossed that thought as far away as I could because the thought of giving up on you is incomprehensible. Even though I haven’t felt you move inside of me, my heart tells me that you are mine.  It doesn’t matter that your soft skin won’t match mine or that I won’t officially meet you for another few months.  All that matters right now, in this moment, is that you are my son. You are our son.

I can’t explain how I know that you are my son other than there must be some magical seed that God has planted in my heart.  That seed has taken off and grown like a wildfire – it has consumed me.  I think about you and pray for you almost constantly.  I am willing to walk through hell and back if that’s what it means to make sure you are happy and healthy and in my arms.  I will put aside all of my own needs to make sure you have the things that you want.  I promise that I will always love you and I will never, ever give up.

I know there will come a day down the road when things get hard.  You might get mad at me for a decision I make.  I might get mad at you because of some crazy stunt you try to pull. (After all, you are a boy…and boys have no choice but to be mischievous!)  Please know that there will never be anything you could do or say that would cause me to love you any less.  There is nothing you could ever do or say that would ever make me push you away.  You may not be flesh of my flesh, but you are my heart.

Things might be hard right now for your dad and I, they may feel impossible but they aren’t.  I won’t give up.  Your dad won’t give up.  We need you- and you need us.  We won’t give up because we want you to learn from us, even now.  We want you to never give up on a goal or a dream that you have, even if it feels impossible.  We won’t give up because I want to be an example to you that there are times when there may be no clear answer, but we still have to trust in God and press on.  We won’t give up because we want to show you that even though the pathway may not be perfect we can still reach our goals if we refuse to give up.  We won’t give up because we’ve made a commitment to your first mom to love you and raise you as our son.  You’ll know about her and the strength, hope and love she has for you. We won’t give up because we want you to see that it was God who brought you into our family.  He had to make a way.  I don’t think Adoption is how God designed a family to be created; I think it is how He redeemed the brokenness of this world.  It’s how he’s redeeming the brokenness of my womb.

We will probably never be rich in earthly treasure. We won’t buy you a brand new car the moment you are able to drive. (Sorry kid, brace yourself!) We’ll have what we need and we’ll do our best to provide you with many of the things that you want.  But when it comes to love, oh sweet boy… you will be rich beyond measure.  Not only do you have the love of God- even as he stitches you together in your first mom’s womb, but you have the love of a mom and dad who will never, ever give up on you.  You will grow up in a home full of love and laughter, mistakes and forgiveness.

I love you sweet boy.  We won’t give up. We will trust in God to provide what’s necessary to bring you home. In choosing your name, we were purposeful. { Dax means: Warrior.  Elias means: Given by God. } We will keep pressing on to be an example for you, to help cultivate in you the heart of a warrior who was most definitely given to us by God.   We will overcome our moments of weakness.  You are worth every tear, every moment of worry and panic. You are worth the sleepless nights and the tears. You are worth every single step on this journey and so much more.  I can’t promise there won’t be more moments of worry and panic and stress in the coming weeks, but I can promise those moments won’t stop us.  We’re coming.  We will continue to work as hard as we can to bring you home. We’re clinging to the promise that we know God has spoken into our lives.  Dax Elias, you are our precious son. We love you more than you will ever know, and if you can imagine that depth of love…. Know that God loves you a million times more than that.  He has a plan.  We’re coming & I promise you we will always be there.


Lamentations 3:22-23 (The Message)
God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,  His merciful love couldn’t have dried up.   They’re created new every morning.  How great your faithfulness!  I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).  He’s all I’ve got left. 


Help us bring Dax home! Click boy


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