On The Night You Were Born.

images-1Ryan and I were holding hands as we walked into the hospital room. We stopped briefly outside the door to pray. Then, we went in.   It was the scariest, most exciting, most amazing few steps we had ever taken.  This was real.  Our son was coming.  When we walked into the room, we saw “S” in the bed smiling.  Sitting beside her was her mother.  We hadn’t met her mother yet and knew that it could potentially be a tense situation.  However, it was wonderful.  We met her mom “M”,  said our hello’s, and asked for updates on how “S” was doing.  “M” left for awhile and so we sat with “S” and talked.

“S” was a trooper.  When we arrived she had her epidural so she was feeling GOOD.  We watched tv,  made some general chit-chat and waited.  A few hours later “M” came back.  She had gotten gifts for Dax and we opened it.  There were some adorable little outfits,  a butterfly ornament/pendant that had a lot of meaning behind it and the sweetest little baby book I have ever seen.  We talked about how we were feeling and watched tv here and there and waited.

A little while later “S” and “M” met my mom and Andy.  We all sat in the room together for awhile laughing and talking.  We took pictures together and talked and hoped for the future.  Around 9pm Kandi arrived and we continued to talk and laugh.  Honestly,  I could not have imagined a more perfect way to welcome Dax into the world. Certainly there was some anxiety and sadness dancing around the room, but the most overwhelming emotion was love.  The love for Dax was evident in every person there that night.   It still makes me tear up thinking about it.

Early in the morning of September 30th  we knew the time was coming soon.   Around 2am it was time. Everyone left the room except for me, Kandi and “M”.   At 2:50am I witnessed my son enter the world.  He cried immediately and I cried right along with him.  Undoubtedly this was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed.  I had the privilege of cutting the umbilical cord.  My haimg_0892nds trembled so fiercely that I was terrified I would hurt him, but the doctor was so kind and reassured me.  “S” held Dax and we all watched him in wonder.   Soon, the time came for me to be able to have some skin to skin time with Dax.  This was it. I was holding my son for the first time.
I can’t even describe to you the feeling. The tears fell again.  My heart.  I swear my heart had to grow just to hold all of the love and emotion I was feeling.  There was such peace in those early morning moments.  Such pure, simple, overwhelming joy.  I remember holding him and just praising God for this perfect gift.  I couldn’t wait to introduce him to Ryan.  Dax had no idea at that moment that he had the best daddy in the whole world sitting out in the waiting room just waiting to meet him.

I was finally able to have Ryan come in.  I was holding Dax.  He walked through the door and I put Dax in his arms.  His face was priceless!  He had this grin that just melted my heart and his eyes were wide  and he had this smile that I think literally lit up the room.  Last night I realized that I had never asked him what was going through his mind when I handed Dax to him.  When I asked him he told me that he was terrified.  He knew he was absolutely in love with him, but was trying to not let himself get too attached in case things didn’t work out.

img_0908It was time for the first bath.  This kid had a head full of hair.  I didn’t realize how much hair he had until they washed it and combed it.  It was so long and beautiful!  He was NOT a fan of his bath.  As I watched the nurse bathe him,  she was such a pro!  I realized that I was going to have to do it next time and I was scared!  But my fear was soon forgotten by his little eyes peeking out!  I swear,  he was the most beautiful baby I have ever laid my  eyes on!

We visited awhile longer.  We took turns holding him.  My mom and step-dad came in to meet him.  It was so beautiful! I was absolutely overwhelmed with emotion and exhaustion.  At this point,  it was around 6am? I think?  The hospital staff let us know that our rooms were ready.   “S” had a room to recover in and Ryan and I got a room as well. It was as if I had given birth.  It was such a neat/weird experience.  “S” decided that she would take Dax with her for a bit to spend some time with him.  So we said our goodbye’s and we went to our separate rooms and we waited.

To be continued……


The trip

Today, our sweet baby boy is 1 month old.  I can’t believe that it has already been a month since he was born. Oh, how our lives have changed in such a short amount of time! I apologize for the lack of updates here but Ryan and I are running on fumes.   We are both blissfully sleep deprived!  This afternoon we were able to take a family nap together which was GLORIOUS!  Dax is now sleeping again and while I should be doing the dishes or catching up on laundry I wanted to write.  I don’t want to forget the details of this journey.

Let’s back up to the middle of September, shall we?  Ryan and I had gone back and forth for nearly 2 weeks about when we should leave.  We had been in regular communication with Dax’s birth mother as well as our adoption agency and we knew he would be coming soon, but we just didn’t know when.  All I knew is that I didn’t want to miss it.  Dax’s birth mom, “S” had told me that I could be in the room when he was born and it was a privilege I didn’t want to miss.  We knew the drive would take about 13 hours and it was likely that if we wanted for her to go into labor we’d miss it.

After consulting with friends and family ( who all had a different opinion! LOL!)  we bit the bullet and decided to leave the morning of Sunday September 25th.  His due date was in the coming week and there was an OB appointment the next day.  We felt like it was a safe bet.  We decided to only tell a hand full of people that we were leaving.  We knew not everyone agreed with our decision to leave when we did,  and we wanted to enjoy a little bit of peace together before the excitement of becoming parents hit us like a full speed train!

That first day we drove to Memphis.  The trip was pretty surreal.  Our car was packed full of clothes and baby supplies.   In the back seat was his car seat, which was the very real reminder that our son would be here soon.  We talked and laughed and dreamed and feared for what was to come.   Then, the coughing came. Ryan was sick. Fear set in and we wondered what would happen if Ryan was still sick when Dax was born.  Would he be able to see him? Hold him?  We started filling him full of vitamins, weird natural concoctions and Mucinex.  I started taking immune support and washing my hands like a mad woman.  I refused to get sick!


The second day we woke up and decided to drive around Memphis a bit before making the final leg of our journey.   Ryan wanted to drive by the famous sun studios and was not disappointed!  We considered the tour, but decided a drive-by would suffice.  It was important to us to be extremely wise with our money since we didn’t know how long we would be gone and we wanted every cent to go towards Dax.  We got into town that afternoon, found a hotel close to the hospital and checked in.  Then, we waited.

My mom and step-dad left Monday morning. They (MOM) couldn’t wait either. They got into town Monday evening.  We decided to share a hotel room to save on money and so our “roomie” adventure began!  Tuesday came and went and then Wednesday. That evening I started to feel a little silly for leaving so early.   I started to worry that we’d wasted precious time and money by just waiting.  Thursday morning came and we slept in.  I had talked with “S” (Dax’s birth mom)  a few times through the week.  There had been a few changes, but nothing truly significant. By early Thursday afternoon mom and I had decided getting ready.  We weren’t sure what we were getting ready for, but we knew we couldn’t spend another beautiful day sitting inside of a hotel room.  Around 2pm the phone rang.  “S” had been admitted to the hospital and was in labor.


FREAK OUT!!!!!!!

Kandi,  the wonderful woman who has worked with us through Abba Adoption let us know that she was about 3 hours away.  We could go ahead and go to the hospital if we wanted, or we could wait for her.  I knew I couldn’t wait three hours.  We finished getting ready,  grabbed and early dinner and headed to the hospital.


The drive to the hospital was surreal. Did I mention that I had caught Ryan’s cold earlier that week?  I had mostly recovered except for a GIGANTIC fever blister covering 2/3 of my top lip.  I had been (unsuccessfully) treating it,  so we made a run to a pharmacy near the hospital.  We parked.  Carried in our bags and made our way up to the maternity floor.



I grabbed Ryan’s hand.

We walked into the room….