Heartbeat 

I’m sure those of you who have carried a child understand when I say that you can’t quite put in to words how you feel that first time you hear your baby’s heartbeat. After our scare the day we found out I was pregnant, I was afraid to hope I would ever hear it. On Tuesday that all changed. 

I knew things in the ultrasound looked different. I knew I hadn’t had any more issues with bleeding and Incoildnt remember the last meal I kept down. But the moment I heard that heartbeat this deep sense of relief and gratitude just overwhelmed me. This baby is alive and growing and I am just overwhelmed with gratitude and relief. 

I don’t think I’ll ever forget hearing Dax’s heart beating for the first time. We were so nervous waking into the hospital room where S Would soon be giving birth. It was the first thing I noticed when we walked in that room. It gave me such a sense of peace and security to listen to the rhythmic thumping on the monitor. It gave me a focus when things were quiet and hope when things felt tense. I still love it when Dax is laying on my chest and I can feel his little heartbeat against me. 

  Hearing this baby’s heartbeat was different, but offered me a familiar sense of peace and security. For now, this baby is healthy and growing safe and secure. For now, we are rejoicing over this new life! 

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The “Rybean”

We’ve known about this new little “Rybean” miracle for nearly a week now and I feel like I can write about it a little more clearly.  Trust me, the shock hasn’t worn off.  I don’t know that it will wear off for quite a while!  Part of me wants to just tell everyone I see-  “Look what God has done!  He has made life when no doctor thought life could be formed!”  The other part of me is scared to speak it out loud too often.  What if I lose this baby?  Will I have the strength in my grief to then go back and say, “We lost our baby. This miracle life is now in heaven.” So for now, we tell our closest friends, our small groups at church and our immediate family.  We hold our breath, and we pray that our Rybean will keep growing and we will meet in the Fall.

We have experienced nearly 7 years of infertility and we felt confident in the fact that we would build our family through adoption. Sure, I mourned the fact that my body was broken and wouldn’t work in the way it had been designed, but I knew that biologically, it didn’t matter.  I would love my children no matter how or when they came into our family. Being pregnant just 5 months post adoption (actually, 5 months TODAY!) seems surreal.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.

All of these changes are happening within my body and it’s CRAZY to try and keep up.  My favorite thing about pregnancy so far is the dream’s I’ve been having. Oh MY GOODNESS.  There must be a lifetime/Sci-Fi TV network just begging to break free in my imagination. I’ve dreamed up some pretty hilarious things (and unfortunately some disturbing scenarios too!) Each night I’m excited to go to sleep to see what will happen next.  I’m also surprisingly not bothered by morning sickness (Fun fact for any guy who may be reading:  Morning sickness isn’t reserved for only morning hours.  Ryan was confused about me being sick all day.  Sometimes, that’s just how it happens!)  With the scary start to this adventure, Morning sickness comforts me and helps me feel like my hormones are raging which means the baby must be growing.  I know there are no guarantees, but for now- it helps to ease the anxiety I’ve been experiencing.

My least favorite thing about pregnancy is the anxiety associated with it.  Because there are so many changes in my body and we have had one super scary experience so far, I’m hyper aware of every new thing my body is doing- be it real or imaginary!  I’m in a constant state of “google” which is never wise when you want real medical advice…but I can’t help it. We certainly weren’t planning a baby this soon.  We DEFINITELY didn’t plan on me becoming pregnant but now that I am pregnant, I already love this precious life more than I thought it was possible to love something you can’t feel or see.  I guess it shouldn’t be a huge surprise to me.  After all, I loved Dax in the same way when I knew we were expecting him via his birth mother and he was several states away.

There’s no stopping this ride we’re on.  We just have to hold on and trust.

 

Haven’t I talked about how hard that is for me before?  Apparently, God isn’t finished teaching me!

Pregnant?

I was cooking dinner and suddenly I was overcome with nausea. I made a funny comment to Ryan about how I was probably pregnant now that we had Dax just like everyone had told us would happen. I laughed and he panicked. He kept asking me how likely it was that I was really pregnant. I came up with a random number of 3%. I mean, we know how it happens. 😏🤗

He continued to worry so I offered to go to the store to get a test. We have done this countless times throughout our marriage. I wasn’t concerned. We have been married 7 years this month and we’ve never been pregnant. It seemed silly to “waste” money on a test.

I came home and did my thing and instantly…


The joke was on me.  I was terrified and happy but mostly in shock and denial. I told a Ryan it was probably a faulty test and I would call my doctor in the morning. He told me he wasn’t shocked I had struggled through statistics class after my failed 3% figure. 😂

We did our best to fumble through our nightly routine and I obsessively dreamed up dreams for our potential new family of 4 and then talk myself off the cliff. I wasn’t really pregnant, was I? 

The next morning I was on the phone with my BFF before 5am. We talked and later that morning she met me at work with chocolate, coffee, a gallon of water and a slew of pregnancy tests.  I went through them. Positive. Positive. (Oh my gosh. Is this really real?) Positive. (I am SO pregnant and my baby will be a big brother at 13 months.) Positive. That’s it.

I’m calling my doctor.

Thankfully I got in that same day. After a whirlwind appointment and “congratulations” that just felt surreal there was this:

Oh. My. Gosh.

Is this real life? Wait, this IS real life. That is a LIFE growing inside of ME. How did this happen? Wait, I know how it happened– but how did it happen to me? We have been married for SEVEN YEARS. Seven! I had dreamed of this, but given up hope. It stopped mattering because we have our son and he is perfect and amazing and the best thing that had ever happened to me. But now, now is this new thing. I swear, I floated out of that office. 

I called Ryan. I texted my best friend. I was allowing this incredible force of joy to sweep over me. Sure, it was unexpected. Certainly it was unintentional, but we were growing our family and I was OVER THE MOON. I floated over to the lab to have blood drawn. 

Ryan left work. We told our parents because I couldn’t contain my excitement but agreed we wouldn’t tell another soul until later on. I was starving since I had been too nervous to eat. Ryan dropped Dax and I off at home and went to pick up a (very) late lunch. 

As I was walking in to the house I was overcome with a very strange sensation. I started to panic and pray over and over ” Lord, please don’t let this be blood.” 

It was. 

Ryan came home and I was in hysterics crying. I was bleeding A LOT. I called my doctor and they told me to come back in.

Things are… confusing?at this point.  My images look the same but everyone agrees that things are likely not good. Because I am very early in this pregnancy, the only thing to do is wait until my new labs are drawn Friday and go from there.