We’ve known about this new little “Rybean” miracle for nearly a week now and I feel like I can write about it a little more clearly. Trust me, the shock hasn’t worn off. I don’t know that it will wear off for quite a while! Part of me wants to just tell everyone I see- “Look what God has done! He has made life when no doctor thought life could be formed!” The other part of me is scared to speak it out loud too often. What if I lose this baby? Will I have the strength in my grief to then go back and say, “We lost our baby. This miracle life is now in heaven.” So for now, we tell our closest friends, our small groups at church and our immediate family. We hold our breath, and we pray that our Rybean will keep growing and we will meet in the Fall.
We have experienced nearly 7 years of infertility and we felt confident in the fact that we would build our family through adoption. Sure, I mourned the fact that my body was broken and wouldn’t work in the way it had been designed, but I knew that biologically, it didn’t matter. I would love my children no matter how or when they came into our family. Being pregnant just 5 months post adoption (actually, 5 months TODAY!) seems surreal. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
All of these changes are happening within my body and it’s CRAZY to try and keep up. My favorite thing about pregnancy so far is the dream’s I’ve been having. Oh MY GOODNESS. There must be a lifetime/Sci-Fi TV network just begging to break free in my imagination. I’ve dreamed up some pretty hilarious things (and unfortunately some disturbing scenarios too!) Each night I’m excited to go to sleep to see what will happen next. I’m also surprisingly not bothered by morning sickness (Fun fact for any guy who may be reading: Morning sickness isn’t reserved for only morning hours. Ryan was confused about me being sick all day. Sometimes, that’s just how it happens!) With the scary start to this adventure, Morning sickness comforts me and helps me feel like my hormones are raging which means the baby must be growing. I know there are no guarantees, but for now- it helps to ease the anxiety I’ve been experiencing.
My least favorite thing about pregnancy is the anxiety associated with it. Because there are so many changes in my body and we have had one super scary experience so far, I’m hyper aware of every new thing my body is doing- be it real or imaginary! I’m in a constant state of “google” which is never wise when you want real medical advice…but I can’t help it. We certainly weren’t planning a baby this soon. We DEFINITELY didn’t plan on me becoming pregnant but now that I am pregnant, I already love this precious life more than I thought it was possible to love something you can’t feel or see. I guess it shouldn’t be a huge surprise to me. After all, I loved Dax in the same way when I knew we were expecting him via his birth mother and he was several states away.
There’s no stopping this ride we’re on. We just have to hold on and trust.
Haven’t I talked about how hard that is for me before? Apparently, God isn’t finished teaching me!