You were never our second choice.

My sweet Dax,

We have somehow managed to arrive in September and we will soon be celebrating your first birthday!  We’ll also be busy preparing for the arrival of your little sister.  In the midst of all of these big changes, your mommy has found herself to be overwhelmed with emotion! I can hardly believe we are already planning your first birthday!  It seems like yesterday that your dad and I were in the car headed towards Arkansas and anxiously awaiting your birth.  This past year has by far been the fastest of my life!

I have enjoyed every single moment of being your mom.  You haveimg_3546-1 brought a depth of joy and love to our lives that I didn’t know existed.  You see, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. When I learned I would likely never become pregnant, I wasn’t disappointed.  We had always considered it, but it was in those moments that we chose adoption.  I always knew God had a plan and that one day I’d be a mom.   I always knew that one day I’d be your mom.  While I may not have carried you in my womb I have always carried you and the hope for you in my heart.  Your story didn’t come as an accident or a surprise.  You came in to our lives and into our family out of divine orchestration.  You were never our second choice.

When we first got the phone call that your birth mom, Sirena, had chosen daddy and I to be your parents- I can’t explain the absolute JOY we experienced in that moment!  It is a moment I won’t ever forget! Later that night when we talked with Sirena and her mom Maria for the first time, I had complete peace that you were the answer to years of prayers that daddy and I had prayed. Asons we worked on your nursery, installed your car seat & prepared our home for your arrival there was never any doubt that you were our son.

One day you’ll learn that mommy’s will always worry about their kids. This is especially true of your mom! I worry if you’re sleeping too often or not enough.  I worry if I’m teaching you everything you need to know as quickly as you need to learn it. I worry that I’m not showing you enough of who Jesus is.  I worry that I spend too much time away from you because I have to work. I worry that I am hindering your independence because when I’m not working I want to snuggle and kiss you instead of letting you explore and play. I worry that you’re cold or you’re hurting and you can’t tell me.  Now, as we prepare for the arrival of your sister, I worry that one day you’ll question if her existence is because somehow you weren’t enough.  Sweet boy, always know that this couldn’t be further from the truth.  You can tell your sister that you were planned, she was our surprise! (Just kidding, be nice!  Mommy has big dreams for the two of you to grow up and be the very best of friends!)

No matter what the future holds or how the past has played out, know that I would choose you a million times over.  I fell in love with you from the moment I knew you existed and in that moment I first laid eyes on you I knew that my life would forever be changed.  While you won’t be our last baby, you will always be our first.  God knew exactly who you would be, and that we would have the privilege of being your mommy and daddy.  After years of praying and trusting, you entered our world not as our second choice, but as our first.

One day you’ll undoubtedly have questions about your biological family.  You may want to meet them, even get to know them. That’s completely ok. Adoption is a part of your story.  It’s a piece of who you are.  We will walk that road beside you. Throughout your life, things will happen that will cause you pain: both physically and emotionally.  While I can’t stop the bad things from happening I can promise you that Mommy and Daddy will always be here as a shelter to protect and love you through it.

We love you more than you will ever know.